Together, restlessness and remorse are the fourth of the five hindrances to meditation as well as to leading a happy life. Restlessness is a general sense of dissatisfaction with how things are. Feelings of restlessness can be very subtle or very intense. The result is a need to move, to do something. Remorse is a regret for one’s actions, moral transgressions for example. Remorse often leads restlessness. With the body agitated by restlessness and the mind agitated by remorse, it’s difficult to maintain concentration during meditation. And, outside of meditation, this dual hindrance will have an impact on one’s behavior.
At my son’s wedding last week, which I wrote about in my previous post, I experienced a degree of restlessness and remorse. Patrick’s mother was there along with her parents and husband. Also there was my second wife, Patrick’s first step-mother.
Maybe you don’t believe in rebirth, but I am in my fourth lifetime – all within the same span of my 58 years. My first life included my childhood and everything through the end of my 21st year. Marriage propelled me into second lifetime. I expected it to last forever. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? Through good times and bad, sickness and health, richer or poorer (emphasis on poorer). Well, among other things, I suffered the disillusionment of happily-ever-after. That marriage’s ending was like a long, slow terminal illness with lots of pain and suffering for everyone involved – including our four boys.
Soon, I was reborn into another realm and another marriage. Through the lens of the Buddha’s teachings I can reflect on the origins of suffering and how the three fires of greed, hatred, and delusion slowly burn in the background of what appears on the surface to be a “good thing.” Once again a good thing ended very badly. The end of this life was different from that of the previous one, though. When the time came, I was prepared and eager to depart that world. I leaped into my fourth lifetime – which now begins its seventh year.
Although the details of my past lives have gone without description, I will say that the results of my bad karma are inescapable. It’s difficult to be in the same room with people I’ve caused so much harm to. At the wedding I was in my own territory, so to speak, but just the same there were moments of restlessness (get me outa here!) and subtle but genuine feelings of remorse for my actions.
The actions of my past are mine to keep – they are the only things I really own. The results are mine to bear as well. My intention in this lifetime – with full awareness of its impermanence – is to make good use of what I’ve learned and develop the skills to extinguish the three fires. I am certain my future rests in my actions now. I have a fairly good idea of what to do. And what not to do.
6 Comments
No, Paul, that old karma is not inescapable–as you yourself suggest in your last paragraph. As I learned from Than Geoff just recently, we have not just one, but many karmas, all subject to change through actions in the present. The great thing about the metta practice is that the compassion starts with yourself! But anyway, congratulations on the wedding, and on the learning that resulted!
Touching, instrospective post, Paul. Thanks for your personal honesty. Do you believe in a literal rebirth, or were you speaking metaphorically about the changing seasons of our current life? Just curious.
I had the privilege of offering a short meditation this morning at our temple. It’s from Pema Chodron: “Learning how to be kind to ourselves, learning how to respect ourselves, is important. The reason it’s important is that, fundamentally, when we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn’t just ourselves that we’re discovering. We’re discovering the universe.”
Be well my friend.
Quite a fearless post. I agree with you that rebirth is the repetition we experience in this life.
I have some bad karma of my own (don’t we all) and I have come to believe that the there is some merit to the occasional suffering we experience. It strikes me as the inevitable result of karma ripening, and an opportunity for learning and putting some of that karma to rest.
I agree, Mercurious, there is merit to suffering. Otherwise how would we know where to make improvements in our lives and help make improvements in the lives of others? Without suffering there would be little need and less motivation to reflect on anything. And the only way to put the bad karma to rest is not by ignoring it but acknowledging it and striving not to make the same mistakes while at the same time striving to be a better person.
Wow….the first part of your story has similarities to mine including the four children and the slow,painful and debilitating experiences to all involved. I am still traversing the “financial ” Everest….but have recently read a book that opened my eyes more than any other in the last 7 years. THE FOUR INSIGHTS by Alberto Villoldo. I would highly reccomend it. It gives methods for acknowledging and removing old karma,you see once you recognise the “lesson”,you don’t need it anymore.
Anneliese, thanks for you comment. I’m familiar with the book you mentioned. I did not read the book. My wife, however, read it aloud during one of our camping trips we took several years ago. It made a great impression.